The Litmus Test
I remember the morning well…
It was mid-February and to say I had a lot going on in my life both personally and professionally
would be the understatement of the year. I was feeling both exhilarated and emotionally
exhausted. I was not eating or sleeping well, and I was feeling as if my emotional state was
changing by the minute, if not by the second. Some significant shifts were about to transpire in
my life, and I desperately needed to be on the other side of the month – and it felt like February
was taking forever!
On this particular February morning, I could hear the birds outside and I could see the sun
working hard to get me moving. I had already woken up late and their seemed to be something
wrong with the hot water in my home, so my shower was cold. All this aside, I was looking
forward to my first morning cup of coffee – the one thing that starts my day on the right foot
regardless of which side of the bed I rolled out of. As I walked into the kitchen I grabbed my
coffee mug, filled it with the perfect cup of coffee, and as I turned around the cup slipped out of
my hand and went crashing to the floor. I still can picture the cup shattering and hot liquid
spilling in a million different directions.
What happened next surprised even me…
You see, this type of incident has happened to me before. I am typically moving too quickly in
the morning and not being fully present with myself physically or mentally, so the loss of a
coffee cup and the liquid found inside is not new. This February morning was different – instead
of simply taking in a deep sigh and grabbing the broom, I collapsed on the kitchen floor
hysterically sobbing. The mental health litmus test indicated that I was not doing so well. I had
worked hard to convince myself and others that the balancing act that I was in was going well,
and that the changes on the horizon for me were being greeted with a sunshine emoji. Clearly,
that was not the case. The result: A call to my therapist and a day with self-giving permission to
clear my calendar.
We have all been there. There are days when the Litmus test indicates all is well, and there are
days when the Litmus test indicates we need to step back, breathe, and take a day.
Today, my hope for you is that you can take step back, breathe, and take a day. You invest
yourself in your Callings, your ministries, and to those who support and surround you – and
today, you need to take a look at you saying, “I am a Beloved Child of God.”
In Memory
I was once told that memories sit in a variety of ways – some sit softy, some violently, and some
in a much more neutral way. In the 24-years since graduating with my MA in Counseling and
receiving my first licensure, I have had the privilege of sharing space with people who are
working through complex times, and I have come to fully appreciate this sentiment regarding
memories.
Over the weekend, I attended the memorial service of a colleague and friend of my father. For
many reasons, this service sat in a way in which I struggle to find the words to describe. For one,
the memorial service took place in the town where I spent my elementary, middle, and high
school years. Like many people, my formative years in a small town sits in both joyful and
complicated ways. The daughter of the recently deceased was a grade ahead of me in school and
we attended school and church together throughout our years in our hometown. To add another
layer, my father died a little over 15-years ago, and the deceased spoke at my father’s memorial
service. In my memory, he not only spoke, but he shared memories of my father that I did not
know, which added an element of joy for me in a profoundly dark time.
We each hold memories of those who have gone before us, relationships which have changed or
come to an end, and memories of physical spaces that hold deep meaning for us. Memories that
sit and make us laugh, memories that bring a sorrowful note to our souls, and memories that we
work hard to move through. Memories sit and become part of our narrative and help to form us,
regardless of their origin.
One more thought to share: The image this week is of First United Methodist Church in Portales,
New Mexico. The structure you see was a safe place which held many memories of teaching me
about my faith as a young person, what it means to be loved and cared for, the joy of potlucks,
youth lock-ins, and so much more. This House of Memories was torn down in the early 2000s –
approximately a decade after I moved away – and was replaced by a new and more modern
structure. I realized as I sat in this new structure in memory of my father’s friend and colleague,
and behind his daughter, that I missed the old sanctuary – I missed the brick walls and wood
floor; I missed the balcony where I would sit with my friends during worship and laugh and sing
as loud as we could as if no one could hear us; I missed the high ceilings with the 1970s light
fixtures; and I missed the smell of the space. I think what I missed most of all in that moment as I
sat in this new space, was the childlike wonder and magical awe I had for a place that now holds
so many memories for me.
I know it’s OK to work-through both joyful and complicated memories, and I know it’s
important to realize that we each create sacred memories wherever we find ourselves.
Let us be people who share our memories – whatever they are! – and are present and open to
ever-forming new ones.
In Memory,
Kelly
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The Gift of Exploration
My first trip abroad took place in 1997. I was in my fourth year at the University of New Mexico
and my dear friend Alison was studying Psychology at Oxford University outside of London.
She invited me to visit her in-between semesters. It was on this trip that I discovered that I do not
mind long plane rides, the hustle and bustle of unfamiliar places, observing people as you
momentarily become part of their world, or simply sharing life with a travel companion – you
get to know a great deal about a person when you travel with them!
To tell you a bit about my relationship with Alison: we met our first few days of our freshman
year of college in the dorms – Santa Ana Dorm to be exact! Alison and I were fast friends and on
Sundays, Alison and I would head to our respective church services – Alison off to a Catholic
service and I to a United Methodist service – and then we would meet for lunch. Alison and I
have shared many life experiences together, including the loss of a parent, adventures in
romantic relationships, friend and family ups and downs, and everything in-between! I believe
we have gifted each other so very much, with the shared gift of travel and curiosity always
present.
I will forever be grateful to Alison for this first adventure across the pond, which taught me so
much about who I am. 38 states, 12 countries, and five continents later, I can fully reflect and
recognize that I have been privileged in my ability to travel and experience this amazing planet
both solo, with family, friends, and groups of like-minded and purposed people.
I was recently asked why it is I enjoy travel so much – “Is it because you are leaving a place or
finding a place?” I would say it’s neither of those things, although it may have at one time or
another been both of those things. What I most appreciate about travel is what I discovered on
that first trip abroad in 1997 – I am a curious person and having the opportunity to be a discreet
interloper in settings which are not my own is both a challenge and a grounding experience for
me. The gift of travel and exploration – both in other regions and in our own neighborhoods –
reminds me that I am not alone in this world and that the bubble I often create for myself is not
the final say.
My hope is that each of you finds a way to explore, challenge, and ground yourself. Be curious
always and get out of your bubble as often as you can!
Tis the Season to Celebrate
It was May 19 th , 2020 when I found myself putting on my robe with my newly earned stripes
(three on each sleeve to be exact), my father’s Ph.D. graduation hood (an homage to my late
father’s profound respect for education), and my tam (something I had been waiting to wear for a
very long time!). My Zoom-inspired Doctor of Ministry graduation from Claremont School of
Theology would soon begin and there was nothing that was going to keep me from participating
or celebrating this long-awaited event – not even a global pandemic!
I have often been asked if I felt that my graduation was not as grand as I had hoped or planned,
or if the event itself was somehow a let-down after my years of hard work and dedication to my
project that would soon become a non-profit organization which would serve so many clergy.
The answer is simple – Life is not something to anticipate and its circumstances are not
something we deserve, rather life is something to embrace and experience. In short, my
graduation was not what I had once planned and, in all honesty, I have had mixed emotions about
the circumstances, but my graduation was one I fully embraced, experienced, and celebrated.
This time of year is often hailed as a season of celebration. From Mother’s Day to graduations,
the month is filled with opportunities to honor achievements, express gratitude, and come
together with loved ones. However, for some, this season can also bring about a mix of emotions,
ranging from joy to sadness, and everything in between.
It’s completely understandable if this season feels complicated for you – I know it can feel
complicated for me! Here are some suggestions that I have found helpful for finding your footing
during complicated times:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. Allow yourself to
recognize and accept whatever you’re feeling without judgment. - Reach Out for Support: Don’t hesitate to lean on friends, family, or a therapist if you
need someone to talk to. Sometimes just expressing your feelings can provide a sense of
relief. - Create New Traditions: If the traditional celebrations feel too overwhelming or painful,
consider creating new traditions that feel more meaningful to you. This could be as
simple as spending time in nature, volunteering, or engaging in a favorite hobby. - Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this time. Treat yourself with the
same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend going through a similar
situation. - Focus on Gratitude: While it’s okay to acknowledge the challenges, try to also focus on
the things you are grateful for. This could be small moments of joy, supportive
relationships, or personal accomplishments. - Set Boundaries: If certain events or activities feel too overwhelming, it’s okay to set
boundaries and prioritize your well-being. You don’t have to attend every gathering or
participate in every tradition if it doesn’t feel right for you. - Seek Meaning: Take some time to reflect on the deeper meaning behind these
celebrations. For example, Mother’s Day can be a time to honor not only biological
mothers, but also anyone who has played a nurturing role in your life. - Practice Self-Care: Make self-care a priority during this time. Engage in activities that
nourish your mind, body, and spirit, whether it’s exercise, meditation, creative expression,
or simply spending time doing things you enjoy.
May is a season of celebration, but it’s also a time that can feel complicated for many of us. By
acknowledging our feelings, reaching out for support, and finding ways to honor the season in a
way that feels authentic to us, we can navigate complex seasons in our lives with grace and
meaning. Remember that it’s okay to lean on others, to prioritize self-care, and to create new
traditions that reflect who we are and what we value. Your well-being is what matters most!
With awe and grace, Kelly
Its Mental Health Awareness Month–Now What?
Navigating Clergy Mental Health: Insights for Mental Health Awareness Month
As we delve into Mental Health Awareness Month this May, it’s imperative to shine a light on
the often-overlooked aspect of clergy mental health. Beyond the serene facade, we as clergy
members often grapple with a myriad of mental health challenges, ranging from anxiety and
depression to struggles with personal relationships and self-care. The statistics paint a sobering
picture, revealing the profound impact that the demands of pastoral ministry can have on our
well-being.
According to data from the Duke Clergy Health Initiative, Wespath Benefits and Investments,
and the Center for Disease Control, anxiety rates among clergy stand at a staggering 13.5%,
significantly higher than the general population’s 4.2%. Depression, too, rears its head with
alarming frequency, affecting 23% of clergy compared to the standard 8.6% reported by the
CDC. What’s even more concerning is that over 8% of clergy grapple with both depression and
anxiety simultaneously.
Perhaps one of the most poignant revelations from the research is the prevalence of personal
challenges faced by clergy members. Shockingly, one in six clergy members leave the ministry
annually, highlighting the toll that the profession can take on individuals. Moreover, the high
rates of divorce, lack of meaningful hobbies outside of the church, and difficulty in fostering
close friendships paint a picture of isolation and emotional strain.
These numbers underscore a harsh reality: we, as clergy members, are not immune to the trials of
mental health. In a world where mental health is still stigmatized and misunderstood, it’s crucial
to recognize that we are not exempt from these struggles. Our mental health impacts not only our
personal well-being, but also our ability to effectively serve our congregations and communities.
Ignoring these challenges only perpetuates a cycle of suffering and disconnection.
So, what can we do to support our mental health during Mental Health Awareness Month and
beyond? First and foremost, we must foster open conversations about mental health within our
religious communities. By destigmatizing mental illness and encouraging one-another to
prioritize our well-being, we create an environment where seeking help is seen as a sign of
strength rather than weakness.
Additionally, researching and utilizing mental health resources and support networks is crucial.
Whether it’s through counseling services, peer support groups, training programs on self-care and
boundary-setting, or retreats, investing in our well-being is an investment in the health of our
communities.
As we embark on this journey of intentional awareness and advocacy, let us remember that we,
as clergy members, are human beings with our own struggles and vulnerabilities. This Mental
Health Awareness Month, let’s commit to shining a light on clergy mental health and working
towards a future where no one suffers in silence.
How We Gather
For the past week, I have found myself serving the United Methodist Church’s General
Conference as a Page. A Page, in this setting, is akin to a legislative runner as the work primarily
takes place up close and personal on the floor of each conference session, ensuring the voting
delegates have what they need, and that information flows with little disruption to those who
need it for the work of the whole to ultimately and seamlessly accomplish the goals of the
conference.
Without getting into the weeds of this process or the polity of the United Methodist Church, I
wanted to take a moment to reflect on how we as humans choose to gather, organize, and
fellowship with one-another. This process of how we do life together is what the fields of
psychology, sociology, and the like refer to as Systems Theory. This intrinsic manner of
organizing dates to the beginning of the reporting of humankind, as all creation came to be
organized in systems of connectionism. We know that systems are not intended to remain static
as evolutions in the system occur and often create stress fractures as a side effect of growth – and
as systems are created to do, the system adjusts.
What has struck me as curious on multiple occasions during the first week of this gathering is
how this subset of people operate in this ever-evolving and stress-fractured system. Unlike
organically created systems, this particular system has been created out of choice, and those who
continue to operate within this system have endured the test of time and continue to do so out of
choice. This choice to gather, organize, and fellowship is one that brings the highest sense of joy
and accomplishment to many, and simultaneously brings the most challenging and painful points
of harm and anguish to many – and the system adjusts.
The choice of how we gather and the system we choose to participate in is ours to make.
Whether we choose to gather with friends or family at the dinner table; or we choose to gather in
conference-style settings; or we choose to gather for worship in community or in solidarity; or
we choose to gather in protest; or we choose to gather over the simple elements of grape and
grain; We choose to gather…
So today, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on how you choose to gather. I encourage you
to reflect on the polarity between joy and accomplishments from systems you choose to
participate in, and the painful points of harm and anguish that these fractured systems sometimes
cause, because it is in the reflection of it all, where we find ourselves – and the system adjusts.
Blessings on this journey,
Kelly
www.ChrysalisCounselingForClergy.org
How Does Your Garden Grow
In my romanticized version of spring, I take myself as an urban gardener – not farmer, but a
gardener. And I say romanticized as it is the warming of the days and in the cooling temperatures
of the evenings that I find myself inspired and joyfully shopping for flowers and plants at the
nursery next to my home as I imagine what my urban garden will be in just a few days’ time.
The problem being: I seem to lack the patience to maintain and nurture the plethora of flowers
that I purchase and planted on Day One. I quickly forget to water, weed, and nurture my
romanticized version of my urban garden.
To give a little context – My mother was raised on a farm and my father was raised on a ranch,
both in Eastern New Mexico. Based on stories told by family, my father quickly realized that the
ranch life was not for him, and my mother took the approach that planting edible vegetation was
equal to work and memories of childhood chores, and now leans toward the flower-only type of
gardening – which I will add, she excels at!
And isn’t this life? We each possess romanticized versions of one thing or another based on
stories we are told or read about, we became excited and engaged, and then we lose steam
becoming discouraged or even disgruntled. We easily can point to scripture references of
flourishing gardens – from Genesis to Revelation, to the first appearance of Christ, there is no
lack of leasons in foliage. When we are in our romanticized selves, we sometimes forget the
bountiful scripture references that exist that point us to the challenges in tending, weeding, and
pruning – the very lessons that we must learn to fully appreciate what we sow.
Today, I invite you to consider what it entails to grow your metaphoric garden – starting at the
excitement of the season, to weeding and pruning, and finally to the celebration of the harvest.
Bountiful blessing to you in this season,
Kelly
Free Moon Pies!
Last Monday, I had the opportunity to view the eclipse in Dallas, TX with a group of clergy
leaders from various parts of the southern region of the United States. The event was met with
great optimism despite the cloud coverage was predicted to be great, with little chance of a clear
view of this celestial event. As is the case with so many unpredictable and uncertain
circumstances, the cloud coverage seemed to only be earlier in the day, and the eclipse showed
itself around 1:40pm with all the grandeur and joy we were each promised. The moment was
even greeted with the song Total Eclipse of the Heart playing loudly from speakers in the area
and Moon Pies freely distributed. What a day!
It would be easy for me in this moment to wax and wane in an attempt to compare the eclipse to
our lives in ministry. To say things like, “In essence, while an eclipse may symbolize temporary
darkness and disruption, it also represents the cyclical nature of change and the potential for
renewal. Likewise, the challenges faced by clergy during uncertain times can be seen as
opportunities for personal and spiritual growth, ultimately leading to a deeper understanding of
their role and a stronger connection to their communities.” But, this is not how I authentically
experienced this extraordinary event. What I experienced was awe – and an awe that I was able
to experience in a community I choose to share this particular day and this particular moment
with. Perhaps it’s as simple as that.
I believe this is the gift of extraordinary events – events that give us the sense of awe and joy,
laughter and the sharing of nostalgic music and moon pies.
So, take time today to open yourself up to experience the extraordinary gift of community and
awe, perhaps even a moon pie.
With gratitude, Kelly
Photo Credit: Jeff Blaylock
A Note of Retreat
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, particularly in professions demanding emotional and
spiritual care like clergy, it’s easy to overlook the critical need for retreat. Yet, statistics on clergy
burnout and saturation serve as a stark reminder of the urgency to prioritize self-care and renewal
practices within our spiritual communities.
According to a study by the Schaffer Institute, around 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each
month in the United States due to burnout or conflict. In addition, anxiety rates among clergy are
13.5% (in comparison to 4.2% general population); 23% depression (8.6% in standard
population); 71% cannot name a meaningful hobby outside of the church; 71% cannot name
close friends; and 83% of clergy believe that pastoral ministry affects their personal relationships
negatively. These statistics are alarming, shedding light on the profound challenges faced by
clergy members in maintaining their well-being amidst the demands of their roles.
In the face of such sobering statistics, retreat emerges as a powerful antidote to negative clergy
wellness. Retreats offer clergy members the opportunity to step away from the relentless
demands of ministry, providing a sacred space for rest, reflection, and rejuvenation.
It is a standing principle of Chrysalis, that incorporating retreats into the rhythm of ministry is
not a luxury but a necessity which is why, last week, Chrysalis Counseling For Clergy held our
12 th Rest & Renewal Retreat encompassing 10 participants and presenters, representing 7 states
and 4 denominations. These spiritual leaders covenanted to prioritized retreat as part of their self-
care regimen, and by doing so, they have invested in their own well-being to ensure their
sustainability in the sacred work of serving others.
In a culture that often glorifies busyness and productivity, the importance of retreat cannot be
overstated, especially for clergy navigating the complexities of pastoral ministry. As we confront
the sobering reality of concerning negative clergy wellness statistics, let us recommit ourselves
to the vital practice of retreat – wherever you find it! – nurturing our souls, and safeguarding the
sacred flame of our calling.
May we heed the call to rest, renew, and return to our ministries with hearts replenished and
spirits restored.
Kelly
Tell Me a Story
Dear Chrysalis Friends,
As we find ourselves winding down from the hustle and bustle of our most sacred
seasons, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the importance of finding rest and
solace, even in the busiest of times. It’s during these periods, filled with various
obligations and commitments, that we often forget to pause, breathe, and seek the
rejuvenation that rest offers.
In the midst of our fervent activities, it’s crucial to lean on the support of our friends and
fellow colleagues. Friendship is not merely a luxury but a necessity, especially during
times when our spiritual and emotional reserves may be running low. Let us remember
the beauty of keeping covenant with one another, standing by each other’s side through
the ups and downs of live, offering comfort, encouragement, and solidarity.
With that said, I wish to emphasize the profound significance of sharing our stories with
one another. Our journeys are not always paved with laughter, joy, and success; often,
they are fraught with challenges, setbacks, and moments of darkness. Yet, it is in the
sharing of these stories—whether they have found resolve or not—that we find
connection, empathy, and understanding. Each narrative, each experience, contributes
to the rich tapestry of our collective faith.
In light of this, I am excited to introduce you to the “Tell Me A Story” project—a venture
dedicated to collecting and sharing stories from clergy about their mental health
journeys. Mental health is a topic often shrouded in silence and stigma, particularly
within religious communities. Through this project, we aim to break down barriers, foster
open dialogue, and provide a platform for clergy to share their triumphs, struggles, and
reflections on mental wellness.
I encourage each of you to consider participating in this initiative by submitting your
mental health journey to [email protected] – 500-2000 words. All stories will
be included in a final book collaborative project. Together, let us create a space where
vulnerability is welcomed, where stories are honored, and where healing is nurtured.
May we all find moments of rest and rejuvenation amidst the busyness of our Holy
Seasons. May our friendships grow deeper, our covenant stronger, and our stories
richer through our shared journey of faith.
With warm regards and blessings,
Kelly
