It Is What It Is
I am excited to announce that last week, I was on a real vacation! What I mean by a real
vacation is this – this particular trip had nothing to do with my profession nor was it
tacked on to a work-related trip, I did not take work-related projects to complete rather a
silly romance novel I found for $5.00 at the local bookstore, and best of all I had zero
access to the internet. There was plenty of food and merriment, relaxation pools,
entertainment, and quality time with family, so I was well taken care of.
This trip however, did come with a few moments of shifting carefully-created plans and creating
new ones in the span of 30-minutes. You see, I was on a cruise originally headed into
what would be a category 4 storm named Beryl. The ports of call changed in a moment
to places I have been before. To top it off, it seemed that Beryl followed the cruise
itinerary only a few days behind us so, what was once a pleasant beach and Myan Ruin
location quickly became a pile of dismantled chairs and fruit stands. To those of us on
the ship, this was a minor inconvenience in relation to the devastation felt by the people
in Beryl’s wake.
On the return flight, we had another minor inconvenience. Our connecting flight was
delayed by approximately 5-hours due to yet another storm, rerouting of planes, a fuel
reload, and crew changes. This put us home and in our own beds back from the
pleasant original time of 6:00pm to 12:30am. Again, a minor inconvenience in relation to
the airport staff and airline reorganizational stress that was happening behind the
scenes as we lounged in our chairs drinking soda and eating chips.
Throughout the trip – including the last handful of hours waiting patiently in the airport
for our flight along with 160 other Albuquerque-bound travelers – I took note of how
people respond to moments of stress and change. Some, not so well as displayed by
how they chose to speak to their traveling companions and airline staff, and others
seemed to go with the bumps with ease as displayed by smiling faces and offers to
assist parents with overly tired and hungry children. Now, If I am being honest with
myself and all of you, I would say I am somewhere in the middle regarding my stress
response and I will leave it at that!
In both the cruise change of itinerary announcement and the airport situation, I heard
possibly the most dismissive comment known to the English language uttered again and
again – “It is what it is.” This phrase, to me, is not helpful and does not share empathy
to those whom change is difficult for. I remember my mother once commenting
sarcastically on this phrase saying, “It is what it is – It ain’t what it ain’t!”
Travel can be stressful event to the most experienced travelers among us. Life can be
stressful even to the most experienced among us. In this vein, I believe language to be
important. I believe self-awareness and the understanding that we don’t understand
what others are experiencing is important. In life’s most stressful moments, let us watch
our language, let us embody self-awareness, and let us not be dismissive to ourselves
or to others.
Living Into the Golden Rule
When my daughter was in 3 rd -5 th grades, she participated in our local Junior Derby League on a
team called the Marionettes. Just image a group of young girls ages 8-12 expressing themselves
in colorful dress and makeup, and playing a full-contact roller-skating sport. Everything about
this was fun for me. I enjoyed watching the practices and bouts, listening to the 80s and 90s
music blasting from the announcer stand, and the celebrations following every game where
everyone seemed to support and cheer-on one another regardless of if they won or lost.
What I think impressed me the most about the Jr. derby experience, was each teammate’s ability
to make everyone feel welcomed. I have no idea if this group of 10 girls participated in any
formal religious practices or traditions, but what I do know is that they treated each other just as
we are told and just as we preach again and again: “Treat others just as you want to be treated”
(Luke 6:31, CEV). This group of 10 girls lived into the Golden Rule in a way that was as simple
as breathing, and I felt privileged to witness this type of witness. And yes, I believe it is as
simple as that, and I believe if we lived our lives with this tattooed on our hearts and lived out in
our lives, we would be a better society for it. But we don’t at all times, and that includes me.
When we debase another or aim to take one’s voice from them, we have abandoned this Gospel
lesson. When we choose to treat another as less then or make unjust assumptions about another,
we have abandoned this Gospel lesson. When we forget or choose to turn our backs on the
commandment to Love One Another, we have abandoned this Gospel lesson. I thank God for
communities of friends who remind us and teach us Grace – who remind us that although we do
not always live into the Golden Rule, there is always room for redemption and to be better.
This week, take a moment to consider how you live into the Gospel lesson to “Treat others just
as you want to be treated” and if needed, what areas in this simple lesson need to be redeemed in
your life.
The Gift of Exploration
My first trip abroad took place in 1997. I was in my fourth year at the University of New Mexico
and my dear friend Alison was studying Psychology at Oxford University outside of London.
She invited me to visit her in-between semesters. It was on this trip that I discovered that I do not
mind long plane rides, the hustle and bustle of unfamiliar places, observing people as you
momentarily become part of their world, or simply sharing life with a travel companion – you
get to know a great deal about a person when you travel with them!
To tell you a bit about my relationship with Alison: we met our first few days of our freshman
year of college in the dorms – Santa Ana Dorm to be exact! Alison and I were fast friends and on
Sundays, Alison and I would head to our respective church services – Alison off to a Catholic
service and I to a United Methodist service – and then we would meet for lunch. Alison and I
have shared many life experiences together, including the loss of a parent, adventures in
romantic relationships, friend and family ups and downs, and everything in-between! I believe
we have gifted each other so very much, with the shared gift of travel and curiosity always
present.
I will forever be grateful to Alison for this first adventure across the pond, which taught me so
much about who I am. 38 states, 12 countries, and five continents later, I can fully reflect and
recognize that I have been privileged in my ability to travel and experience this amazing planet
both solo, with family, friends, and groups of like-minded and purposed people.
I was recently asked why it is I enjoy travel so much – “Is it because you are leaving a place or
finding a place?” I would say it’s neither of those things, although it may have at one time or
another been both of those things. What I most appreciate about travel is what I discovered on
that first trip abroad in 1997 – I am a curious person and having the opportunity to be a discreet
interloper in settings which are not my own is both a challenge and a grounding experience for
me. The gift of travel and exploration – both in other regions and in our own neighborhoods –
reminds me that I am not alone in this world and that the bubble I often create for myself is not
the final say.
My hope is that each of you finds a way to explore, challenge, and ground yourself. Be curious
always and get out of your bubble as often as you can!
Tis the Season to Celebrate
It was May 19 th , 2020 when I found myself putting on my robe with my newly earned stripes
(three on each sleeve to be exact), my father’s Ph.D. graduation hood (an homage to my late
father’s profound respect for education), and my tam (something I had been waiting to wear for a
very long time!). My Zoom-inspired Doctor of Ministry graduation from Claremont School of
Theology would soon begin and there was nothing that was going to keep me from participating
or celebrating this long-awaited event – not even a global pandemic!
I have often been asked if I felt that my graduation was not as grand as I had hoped or planned,
or if the event itself was somehow a let-down after my years of hard work and dedication to my
project that would soon become a non-profit organization which would serve so many clergy.
The answer is simple – Life is not something to anticipate and its circumstances are not
something we deserve, rather life is something to embrace and experience. In short, my
graduation was not what I had once planned and, in all honesty, I have had mixed emotions about
the circumstances, but my graduation was one I fully embraced, experienced, and celebrated.
This time of year is often hailed as a season of celebration. From Mother’s Day to graduations,
the month is filled with opportunities to honor achievements, express gratitude, and come
together with loved ones. However, for some, this season can also bring about a mix of emotions,
ranging from joy to sadness, and everything in between.
It’s completely understandable if this season feels complicated for you – I know it can feel
complicated for me! Here are some suggestions that I have found helpful for finding your footing
during complicated times:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. Allow yourself to
recognize and accept whatever you’re feeling without judgment. - Reach Out for Support: Don’t hesitate to lean on friends, family, or a therapist if you
need someone to talk to. Sometimes just expressing your feelings can provide a sense of
relief. - Create New Traditions: If the traditional celebrations feel too overwhelming or painful,
consider creating new traditions that feel more meaningful to you. This could be as
simple as spending time in nature, volunteering, or engaging in a favorite hobby. - Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this time. Treat yourself with the
same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend going through a similar
situation. - Focus on Gratitude: While it’s okay to acknowledge the challenges, try to also focus on
the things you are grateful for. This could be small moments of joy, supportive
relationships, or personal accomplishments. - Set Boundaries: If certain events or activities feel too overwhelming, it’s okay to set
boundaries and prioritize your well-being. You don’t have to attend every gathering or
participate in every tradition if it doesn’t feel right for you. - Seek Meaning: Take some time to reflect on the deeper meaning behind these
celebrations. For example, Mother’s Day can be a time to honor not only biological
mothers, but also anyone who has played a nurturing role in your life. - Practice Self-Care: Make self-care a priority during this time. Engage in activities that
nourish your mind, body, and spirit, whether it’s exercise, meditation, creative expression,
or simply spending time doing things you enjoy.
May is a season of celebration, but it’s also a time that can feel complicated for many of us. By
acknowledging our feelings, reaching out for support, and finding ways to honor the season in a
way that feels authentic to us, we can navigate complex seasons in our lives with grace and
meaning. Remember that it’s okay to lean on others, to prioritize self-care, and to create new
traditions that reflect who we are and what we value. Your well-being is what matters most!
With awe and grace, Kelly
A Note of Retreat
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, particularly in professions demanding emotional and
spiritual care like clergy, it’s easy to overlook the critical need for retreat. Yet, statistics on clergy
burnout and saturation serve as a stark reminder of the urgency to prioritize self-care and renewal
practices within our spiritual communities.
According to a study by the Schaffer Institute, around 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each
month in the United States due to burnout or conflict. In addition, anxiety rates among clergy are
13.5% (in comparison to 4.2% general population); 23% depression (8.6% in standard
population); 71% cannot name a meaningful hobby outside of the church; 71% cannot name
close friends; and 83% of clergy believe that pastoral ministry affects their personal relationships
negatively. These statistics are alarming, shedding light on the profound challenges faced by
clergy members in maintaining their well-being amidst the demands of their roles.
In the face of such sobering statistics, retreat emerges as a powerful antidote to negative clergy
wellness. Retreats offer clergy members the opportunity to step away from the relentless
demands of ministry, providing a sacred space for rest, reflection, and rejuvenation.
It is a standing principle of Chrysalis, that incorporating retreats into the rhythm of ministry is
not a luxury but a necessity which is why, last week, Chrysalis Counseling For Clergy held our
12 th Rest & Renewal Retreat encompassing 10 participants and presenters, representing 7 states
and 4 denominations. These spiritual leaders covenanted to prioritized retreat as part of their self-
care regimen, and by doing so, they have invested in their own well-being to ensure their
sustainability in the sacred work of serving others.
In a culture that often glorifies busyness and productivity, the importance of retreat cannot be
overstated, especially for clergy navigating the complexities of pastoral ministry. As we confront
the sobering reality of concerning negative clergy wellness statistics, let us recommit ourselves
to the vital practice of retreat – wherever you find it! – nurturing our souls, and safeguarding the
sacred flame of our calling.
May we heed the call to rest, renew, and return to our ministries with hearts replenished and
spirits restored.
Kelly
Ultimate? Penultimate? Antepenultimate?
I remember in my Greek class in seminary a discussion of terms related to what we might call “the end.” Of course the term we used to describe the final conclusion of something was “ultimate.” What came just prior to the ultimate was “penultimate.” And what was just before that which was just before the ultimate was the “antepenultimate.” For some reason those terms have stuck with me over these last 30 plus years.
I mention this because if Holy Week is the ultimate in terms of the last week of Jesus’ life and ministry, then we might describe ourselves as being in the penultimate week of Jesus’ life and ministry. In terms of pastoral health and wholeness it seems to me that this might be one of those weeks when pastors ask themselves “What is next to the end?”
In May of last year Chrysalis had a table at the Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis. Every day, pastor after pastor passed by our table for conversation, fliers, and stress balls. In our conversations I heard so many pastors talk about how they were trying to find a way to leave the ministry. The common themes were burnout, bad behavior of parishioners (especially during the pandemic), and financial struggles. All of these faithful pastors had seemingly reached the point where ministry was the penultimate moment in their career. In other words, they would leave the ministry fo another ultimate end.
My suspicion is that those who leave the ministry didn’t plan on it that way. These folks probably imagined that they would retire as pastors. But so much has changed in our world, in denominations, and in local churches, that at Chrysalis we see this a lot.
Perhaps in this week before THE week, it is worth some time considering where your ministry is related to the “ultimate” for you. What is your life telling you? What is your body telling you? What are the relationships in your life indicating to you? Are you just trying to get through things, or are you engaged and active and alive in your work? Is ministry your ultimate? Or, perhaps you are like one of those folks looking for a new ultimate.
Whatever the case, we are here to listen, to care, and offer feedback. Reach out.
With Hope,
The Chrysalis Team
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